It’s safe to assume that every girl has been insecure about her body at one time or another. If you haven’t then,
fuck you lucky you.
And sometimes insecurities lead girls down an ugly road of starvation, binging, purging, and so on. It’s not pretty and often isn’t discussed, but it’s the ugly truth.
In fact, it’s my ugly truth. I’ve struggled with one or more eating disorders since I was 12 and now I’m 30 so you do the math.
I’ve starved myself, thrown up after every meal, ate until I thought I would burst, and worked out until the point of passing out.
Truth is I’ve never loved my body which is probably why I’ve used and abused it for practically my entire life.
I can remember being 12 and realizing my body wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t fat, maybe pre-pubescent chunky at the most, but I was made to think I was, and so began an ugly cycle.
Then my battle with food and my body started, and I controlled myself through starvation, purging, and exercise.
Somehow along the way, I gave up the control of the binging and purging cycle and succumbed to just binging which caused me to gain a ton of weight over the years.
And as my weight climbed my confidence, self-worth and self-love depleted until my love tank was empty a la Vicki Gunvalson.
Over the years, I’ve tried losing weight and succeeded at times, but ultimately I packed the pounds back on again.
So, why can’t I just lose the weight and have a normal relationship with food?
Self-care and self- love kind of go hand in hand, and I’ve realized that you can’t have one with the other.
The raw truth is I hate my body and don’t take care of myself at all. I put EVERYONE and EVERYTHING above me. Why? Because I don’t value myself or love myself enough. It’s as simple as that. Lara is last on my list of priorities which is probably why I’m in this and multiple other conundrums.
If I loved my body and myself why would I stuff my face and make myself gain all this weight? I wouldn’t. Why would I gain all this weight that makes me so insecure and paralyzes me with so much fear and self-doubt? I wouldn’t.
Everyone always says – it’s all about the food and I agree, but I also think it’s all about self-hate and a HUGE lack of self-love. If I don’t love myself why would I take care of myself? Again, I wouldn’t, and I don’t.
How do you learn self-love? Well, that’s the million dollar question. Self-love is something I’ll explore later this week cause honestly, I need a heaping dose it.
The reason you can’t lose weight or stop your battle with an eating disorder isn’t because of the food – it’s deeper. Perhaps if I loved myself more and took care of me, I wouldn’t be FAT. That’s a theory I’m willing to test out.
Meanwhile, this next part is the scariest shit I’ve ever done. Here’s my before and here’s my current. Excuse the blurry photo, but it’s the most recent photo of me.
Do you struggle with self-love? Do you think self-love affects your weight and how you care for yourself?